√The worst Holdens ever | Drive Flashback

Never one to shy away from a fight, in June 2011 Drive’s Tony Davis listed his roll call of worst Holdens ever made. Let the arguments begin.

Story by Tony Davis originally published in Drive on 18 June, 2011.

You’re trying to start an argument, aren’t you! Fair enough, we all like one of those. So, in the interests of healthy debate, here’s a list of Holden horrors, ranging from the unarguable to the fisticuffable. Your squabbling time starts now.

Holden Barina Cabrio

There have been some pretty marginal Barinas through the years.

However, the locally adapted Cabrio of 1997 – claimed as the company’s first convertible passenger car – wasn’t marginal at all. It was unambiguously atrocious. It twisted, you shouted. And it leaked like a sieve made by Lancia.

Holden Piazza

This Isuzu-sourced aberration was old when it arrived here (in 1986), yet bad when it was new. This ‘sports coupe’ was also ridiculously expensive.

As for roadholding, if you ran a handling comparo between it and a bag of manure, it is quite possible the manure would win.

A couple of young guys drove one all the way around Australia a few years ago and then wrote a book about it. Everest had already been climbed.

Holden EK Special

The FB was a belated homage to the ’57 Chevrolet (which came out in 1956; Yanks were never good at getting year models right).

The ever-so-mildly updated EK version maintained the same comprehensive catalogue of trends that had receded: sharp tail-fins, dog-leg windscreen pillars, dome roof and so on.

And it was still on sale in 1962, by which time the Falcon made it look like a curio.

Holden Torana LH

Yes, it won Bathurst but that was in modified form. As a road car, the 1974 Torana was heavy, thirsty, expensive, cramped and looked like a Gemini suffering from water retention.

Holden HD Premier

An unfortunate interlude between the EH and HR, both world class, with avant-garde styling, in the sense that its avant guards stuck right out, threatening any pedestrians.

Holden Scurry

A microvan that was clearly a Suzuki in every way, except for the badges that said Holden.

If anyone bought a Scurry, they kept it quiet (perhaps by putting the original badges back on).

Holden Brougham

This ‘luxury flagship’ (yeah, right) lasted from 1968 until 1971, through HK, HT and HG versions. Instead of a long wheelbase to match the new Fairlane, it had a long and highly decorated rear end.

HSV VL Group A

For about two-and-a-half times the price of a standard Commodore, the ‘Walkinshaw’ of 1988 brought fuel injection and a useful tweak or two. But why damn it with faint praise when there’s good solid abuse? It was the most unspeakably ugly thing on the road.

People pre-ordered them in the hope they would appreciate. For the first decade or two the price fell down a mineshaft.

Holden Nova

To anyone else it was a 1989 Corolla. So why not buy the original?

Holden Apollo

See Nova. This one was an uninspiring Camry (sorry, there’s another type?), with afterthought Holden badges. The only thing sillier was the Toyota Lexcen.

Holden JB Camira

You know, the 1.6-litre from 1982. If cars went to school, this one would be in the giftless and untalented class.

Curiously, it sold only to people who were otherwise going to buy a Commodore, giving Holden the joy of building two separate models for exactly the same total sales.

Holden VP Commodore

Didn’t matter what was in the range, as soon as they put rear-wheel spats on to the Calais, the VP became a target for ridicule and looked purpose-built for 80-year-old Miamians.

Holden Viva

One of a group of rebadged Daewoos that made it here circa 2005 and were as bad as each other.

With the Viva (as in viva-la-lack-of-difference), Holden couldn’t find a price point low enough to convince Australians they should do anything but run away.